A moment of Truth.
As I was chatting with an old friend (if I may use that term) we both agreed that one of our biggest weaknesses is self-discipline. or in her terms, self-mastery. I don’t mean to demean that nice long convo to this topic, but its been something that's been really bugging me the past weeks.
Coming to vj as far as what I’ve witnessed, is no mistake. To have friends that sincerely believe in your abilities and to have teachers ever so willing to give you specialized advice in their respective fields is achedemia's dreamland. And of course, vj offers lots more than just that.
And yet, or (rather) because of that, I feel as though I have let down so many people.
Its not as though self-mastery hasn’t been a problem before, its just that before, it either had little consequences, or I would just find a way somehow.
i think i did have some semblance of hardworkingness within me once upon a time. I think that must've been sec1. I told myself that the only way I was going to out-perform these naturals was to work my butt off. Maybe I gave up because I realized that it just wasn’t worth. Maybe I gave up simply because I was just too tired. Maybe it was because I got myself a life and decided grades shouldn’t matter so much. Whatever it is, I’ve not been able to be consistent in my work since.
The funny thing is, I do not think it is an attitude problem. I want to do well. I earnestly do. Like everyone else, I enjoy the feeling of getting good grades, not falling behind in lectures etc. and while amid consoling myself, I might say that grades don’t matter, but I cant deny that a lack of excellence does get on my nerves. Only I control it every now and than.
Unbelievable as it sounds, I am sort of a perfectionist, and the 16pf test says so too. But when it comes to things like history essays, my perfectionist traits becomes my cause for skive. Or rather, my failure to reach my standards causes me to try to lower my standards all too low and thus potentially ultimately not do my work at all.
I often find myself just walking around the house at 2am just trying to stir myself up to go read sloman. I device plans, schemes, mindsets how to view school wk and at the end of it all, I feel convinced that I can study. And yet, when I sit myself down in front of the complex numbers tutorial, I just switch off. I don’t know why, and I’m beginning to think it might be a mental disorder.
Sigh. I have let many people down. Exams never were this important before. And my, do I have big shoes to fill. I know I’m not supposed to feel the pressure from my seniors, but it doesn’t stop people from juxtaposing, and thus far, I have fallen short in almost everyway. By Jove, I can’t even qualify for so many things. And who have I to blame? I’d blame God if I t were justifiable, but when I haven’t even tried, I can’t point fingers so readily.
its comforting to have people coming up to me and telling me that I have it and should even try running for things my grades don’t permit me to run for. They would ask me to try requesting for a special case, but I simply don’t have the heart to. What if I fail them again? What if at the end of it, I find myself unable to cope with the diligence required behind them? What if I really have a mental disorder that cannot be cured? So many questions to be answered, all of them which can only be possibly answered thru divine intervention or the results of the papers I’m to sit for the beginning of next year. But for the latter answer, it'd probably be too late an answer to apply it.
I’ve messed up one year. More than one year actually, when you look at the consequences of it. The best I could do now is to mess up as little as possible next year.
This holidays will be spent more than just trying trying.