Dreaming in a distance. will it ever be.
Canada. man, i miss those days. even though they are just past memories, i will still cherish them given the kind of life i'm given now.
my first introduction to Singapore wasnt exactly a very pleasant one. a smaller home. more expensive goods meant less liesure. more humid weather. and the milk tasted funny. it wasnt very welcoming. but it wasnt so bad in comparison to my experience in it's education system.
See, in Canada, i was enrolled in a monte storey school. it was a free-ier type of learning and it meant teachers were frobidden from critisisng our attempts to innovate creative ideas or during our show-and-tell sessions. those were the days when we just foolishly enjoyed acting like the older kids, accenting deep with heavy american back-street slang. "awesome", "totally". "way cool" right? i will eternally remember running past the lockers in the hall of BHS, or playing 'you're it' in the 'backyard' of the school or eating icicles off the playground's slide. or what about the sleighing or playing on the monkey bars and sleep-overs in the museam. school meant fun than.
my first year in Singapore was fine. i just remeber having to do some math test and i came back home asking what's a durian. we had no such things back in the west. i do gather a little recollection of being ostracised because i sounded different. but it was minimal.
my second year was bad. just bad. like, very bad. i was 7 years old. small kid. a few feet high. innocent of all bliss.i remeber it was art class. we we're all taking out our homework with a tinge of pride on our faces, hoping that the teacher would pour heaps of praises upon praises regarding our artistic ability. i mean, just imagine, a bunch of gleeful 7-year old kids, in school-u, showing off their work to one another. art work. pictures of their 'favourate toy', so simplistically drawn with their heart-felt efforts.
i cant recall exactly what it was that i drew. but i got none of those. the teacher, after barely glimpsing at my drawing, she tore it to shreds.
i was devastated. my pride was broken. my work 'lacked talent and effort'. i couldnt take it. i just broke down and cried. but if course she didnt care. being a kid than, i went home and told my mom about it. she was mommy than. my parents were furious with the attitude the teacher had. they called up the school and gave tham a good tongue lashing. all seemed well till the next day. well, guess what i found out. the principle had given ms-who-is to-be-condemned-for-life a teaser of what he had recieved.
she didnt exactly take her pay-cut well and decided from than on to take it out on me. 7-years old. small kid. few feet high. innocent of all bliss till than. it is no wonder that i can comprehend politics from young. from this, i changed in two ways - i've since had a dislike for making complains for the fear of causing trouble to arise, and secondly, in general, i became a more shy and less daring person. i daresay my creative juices have been surpressed from such a persecuting event. by the way, i hate art and have shifted my likings towards literature, history, filming, debating and music. blame her.
some would say that's it was just unlucky of me to recieve a failure at NIE as my art teacher than. to some extent. but i prefer to think its just part of our oriental culture. asians in general have a very different set of moral values from those in the west. for example, whilst the europeans and americans will tell you that good mannersim involves you patiently slicing your beef stake while unhurriendly eating it so as to potray a selfless and not-greedy image, the chinese will teach otherwise and that you ought to eat greedily as a compliment to the chef. the tibetians will take this a step further by burping after meals. anyways, this wasnt my only bad encounter with such people.
in my third year, i was transfered to another school. aitong. and it was mid-term. so everyone had already established their group of friends, their cliques. well, all except me perhaps. and in the process of struggling to integrate myself, i ended up trying to prove myself. in that course, i learnt various new terms labelled on me. "hao lian" or show-off. "zhi yi wei shi" or thinks too highly of one's self. i was name called these because i had an accent. so they thought i must be flaunting it. in that senario, i tried to loose my accent. now, i can only pick up bits and pieces of it, but the full picture is lost forever. that event jumpstarted my thinking. it marked my dy by dx. my turning point. i started analysing the reactions of certain phrases. tone. the hidden meaning behind words. content of conversations etc. all this shaped my rather bottle-capped personality that often judges others by their actions. my mindset was that if i could understand how people think, i could understand how to please tham. that way, i would never ever be ostracised again. therefore, i developed a mind that was steered towards mind-reading another individual. i was driven by emotion. but i made logic out of it. i learnt to feel with my mind and think with my heart. rather charecteristic of females i know, but that was how i was shaped to be at 8 years of age. i'd rather have enjoyed myself in the fields than to burden myself with the knowledge of what other's think about myself. i was only 8 than. how sad can life get.
i soon realised that the teachers i recieved in Canada was very different from the teachers i was going to recieve here in Singapore. i detested many teachers since than. each time i met a teacher that would out me down, i would think to myself - one day, i'll be sucessful. i hope you're proud. because of you, i nearly gave up. but i still made it. without you.
i just liked that aura. it felt good. but i've always been a big dreamer. sometimes i act upon it, other times i dont. my mom once said that i am capable of doing anything i dream of doing, so long as i put my mind to it. she gave an example of how i started walking. one day, i decided to walk. i stumbled, i fell. but day and night i continued practicing. i just wanted to walk. i didnt care what it took. and one day, after days of trying, i got it. my brother was different. he wasnt really all that interested in being able to walk. he seemed contented crawling around. than one day he figured that using his two feet might prove to be more fun. so he got up and walked, just there and than. i was the one who cried for milk, my brother was the one who found a way to shake the fridge so that food would drop out. my brother was the one with talent. my only talent was that i never gave up. that would somehow have to make up for my incompetent ability. in guitar, all the various skills were picked up simply by practice. i aimed 30 marks below my actual psle score. i never knew that the day would come where i could hang around with the other selected debaters for DEP. i got there through dreaming and attending all the training sessions made available. To God be the glory!
now, there seems to be a change in tides.m hardworkingness has worn off in the area of studies. in the same 3 areas, i have re-adjusted my dreams. will they come to past? or will there be disapointment. i'm not used to disapointment. but what if my ability outwears itself. what if i'm just not the equal of others competing in similar races. what if i cant keep up. what if. perhaps i should stop questioning and start working towards my goals.
if i can see it, i can have it. God said so Himself in Gen4:11. whatsmore if i have the support and unity of co-workers around me. whatsmore with God as my source and salvation. i feel unstoppable. muahaha.
talked to snow a while ago. felt good. hope she genuinely agrees with that. sparked off my thinking of dreams. its always nice to sit down and dream afterall. C=. i just hope it isnt only talk.
Dreaming in a distance. will it ever be.
just you wait.